Category: Uncategorized

Embracing the yoga pants look

I discovered lately that once your kids are grown up and are no longer in the house you are no longer considered a disheveled mom. Apparently at this point, just like a Pokémon you evolve and become just a regular frumpy human being. Technically you haven’t changed, you just no longer have the excuse of why you are disheveled, you are no longer juggling getting kids ready for school, after school activities, grocery shopping or play dates. You have no excuses anymore. 

Well in theory you have no excuses but in reality I can come up with many excuses for my disheveled look. I am only going to the gym or the grocery store, I’m just walking the dog. It’s dark no one knows who I am anyway. See I told you I have excuses galore.

I always admired and was a little jealous of those who are  all put together at 8am,color coordinated and dressed up to the T, a situation that I have to admit I never was in by choice. This is an ability that is really beyond my capabilities and will never be achieved unless I am on my 4th cup of coffee. To those of you who wonder if I look like crap all the time, don’t worry. For  work I dress like a professional. However, once at home my  preferred attire of yoga pants and a ratty t-shirt is back on.  Especially that these days yoga pants have pockets.

When I was younger and childless I was always dressed nice and all put together even in my college years. Somewhere during the first pregnancy I switched the high heels and dressy clothes with comfort and never went back. And now in my 50’s I doubt it will be different.

So today I am owning my frumpy look and even embracing it outside my work hours, but if you see me wearing a velour tracksuit stop me immediately , that is too far gone even for me.

As the world gets quiet

I saw my audiologist today, we did a hearing test and I have lost more of my hearing. This is news that no one wants to hear, pun intended. I noticed my ears are not functioning as well as they did and that one side was getting even worse. This is new that no one ever wants to hear.

I got in my car and cried, arrived home and continued crying.

To those who have never had a hearing test, you are in a tiny sound proof room with a buzzer in your hand. You are supposed to press a button every time you hear something. But when you have hearing loss you sit in that room and try and try again and still can’t hear anything. And the longer it takes between the sounds you hear the more you  understand that you are in trouble, and then when that time is even longer in that tiny sound proof room you go oh shit! I am in big trouble.This is where the tears started for me.

We don’t always appreciate what we have or understand how our senses are important to our everyday life especially when we are young and think we are invincible, but losing a sense affects us hard. It affects our daily lives, our interactions with other human beings, our jobs  and even how we perceive ourselves when we realize we have a disability and we now have to learn how to deal with our new reality.

After two and a half years from losing my hearing overnight I am still dealing, some days are  better, some days are worse. You go through all the stages of grief and hope acceptance does not mean admitting defeat.

Today I feel defeated, hopefully tomorrow will be better and I will wake up ready to fight!

Beach walks

My husband loves long walks on the beach, yeap really. I know it sounds like a dating app description but he really does  love long walks and he really loves the beach. Luckily for him we are 15 minutes drive to the beach and a 35 minute bike ride (bike ride timing is by his account, definitely not mine). I don’t love long walks on the beach, I just like them. In our family group chat there will be a once a week question from him -anyone down for a beach walk? Every once in a while someone appeases him and joins him.

If you are a romantic, you could ask why don’t you join him? Truthfully, I do enjoy walking especially since our dog loves these walks. The issue is that he is tall with long legs and I am what you consider vertically challenged. Every step he makes is 3,4 steps that I make so even if he tries to walk slowly I still need to catch up. And really that means I have to run. Unfortunately for him I really hate running. Hate it so much that when I broke my foot last year I was happy that my Dr. did not allow me to run. This is funny because I was never a runner.

So how did we solve his long walks on the beach issue? I got him a girlfriend, a lovely 65lb Airedale. Big brown eyes and  loves walks. He has to hold her leash when we walk as this slows him down to do the dog sniffies and this slows him down  enough for me to be able to keep pace and actually  enjoy the walk instead of constantly feeling like I am running a marathon.

Hearing Aid Costs

I am in the market for a new hearing aid. There is nothing wrong with my current one, I have a top of the line one with bluetooth and some other settings that I never use. I am in the market because there is one big issue with hearing aids – they are not water or sweat proof.

Moisture is not a friend to those of us with hearing aids, moisture of any kind is the enemy, it sucks the battery life and we need to make sure to dry out the aids if they get wet. 

If you want to go swimming, boating or walk in the rain that’s a problem, not only that everytime i get in the shower I immediately touch my ears to make sure I have not forgotten to take them out.

Finally one company created a new aid that is waterproof and that’s what  I am shopping for. As there is only one company that has them you probably ask what’s there to shop for, it’s not like i have other options. And here lies my conundrum, my insurance covers aids. I am lucky as most companies do not, however the amount that they cover is not enough for the top of the line model so i have to compromise and choose a lesser quality level. I am lucky that not only do I have some insurance coverage I can also cover the difference between the insurance and the actual cost of the device. But what happens to those who do not have any coverage but can not cover the difference or any device at all. 

Why are those with hearing loss expected to function without aid? Losing your hearing is not only a function of age, many in my support group are young productive adults who have many years ahead of them. Hearing aids do not last forever, they deteriorate and need replacing every couple of years.

Hearing aids are expensive, good hearing aids are very expensive. Insurance coverage is questionable, some do not cover any cost and some cover a little. Most insurance companies cover only a fraction of the true cost. Last week over the counter hearing aids were approved, however hearing aids are not reading glasses, there is no one size fits most. We all have different needs and different settings and one ear is not like the other ear. So even though it is good that they are available over the counter this is a solution only for those who have minimal hearing loss and not for those with moderate to severe hearing loss.

Losing your hearing is not only a function of age, many in my support group are young productive adults who have many years ahead of them. Hearing aids do not last forever, they deteriorate and need replacing every couple of years.

Being a productive citizen and contributing to society is important, having a job is important, being able to participate in everyday life is important, and the ability to hear is a big and integral part of this. Those with hearing loss like me want to have the freedom to choose our professions or to interact with society and the ability to have a good quality hearing aid is an integral part of this. Approving over the counter hearing aids is one step but not the answer. Lowering prices of the aids,encouraging research, competition, creating more companies  &  requiring insurance to cover them is the answer.Why are those with hearing loss expected to function without aid?

Keeping up with old friends

I meet with my lunch group once a month. We have been friends since our kids were in elementary school so we have known each other for over 20 years. We started getting together once a month when our kids graduated Highschool and we realized that we will not get to see each other at drop off, pick up or school events anymore.

These women have been part of my life for many years, we cried together and laughed together. We celebrated when our kids graduated school, when they started college, when they graduated college and now when our kids are in a different stage of life and are starting their own families. This support was essential to our emotional well being during the pandemic and made us realize how much we needed these catch up lunches.

The last couple of years we all became busy again, life tends to do this and it was harder to meet as there was at least every other month of one us exposed to covid. Lately we added a Friday check in text, we text the group a couple of lines on how our week was. This way we are not only in touch but as one of our group members said – it forced her to think about something positive that she had in the past week, an excellent way to start the weekend on a positive note.

Maybe we all need to stop and pause and ask ourselves what was positive in our day, week or month, even if it is something small. I myself am really grateful that these ladies have stuck with me for the last 20 something years.

Living In a Food bubble

I love cooking books, I love cooking shows, love kitchen gadgets and I really love to watch my country’s Master Chef. The only problem with what I wrote in the previous sentence is that I hate cooking but I really love eating. I don’t come from a line of cooks or mini chefs, I come from a line of those who find short cuts. When my kids were young stir fries were eaten frequently as was pasta, pizza, quesadillas and tacos, all foods that were easy to make with 3 young children.

The last 3 pandemic years when we were all home kinda changed my love hate relationship with the kitchen, I started cooking more and trying new foods and flavors. When I watched Master Chef I discovered foods I have never heard about before that apparently are commonly eaten in my country, foods that I have never heard about. When I say this my husband keeps reminding me that we have not lived there for 30 years so that might be it. But in reality when I researched this I discovered these foods were there always. I apparently have been living in a food bubble.

Technically food bubbles are not bad thing if this is what you like, we all have our go-to comfort foods that we can eat all day and every day. I do have to add that I am a Celiac, which means I do not have the food freedom that most people have. But during the pandemic I decided to expand my food range and try new things or even convert some interesting menus to become gluten free.

I have succeeded on some and failed miserably on others. My baking skills have improved and I can make a mean gluten free Brioche and focaccia bread that are not hard as a rock the following day. I also discovered more ethnic north African foods I like and figured out how to make them. My fails were on foods that were foreign to me and I had no intrinsic feel of what they taste like, just how they look like on TV or on paper. But my food journey is not over and I am continuing on my mission of breaking my food bubble.

Finding joy

My dog has a collection of pinecones. She started collecting them as puppy. They are not allowed in the house, so my smart girl either leaves them next to the door or takes them to the patio where she has a bucket for all her pinecones. We are blessed with many pine trees around us and with every walk we take she finds additions to her collection. She is so happy and excited to find new ones and every time I see her I get a little jealous as I too strive to find such happiness from the simple things.

My goal in life is to find joy in the little thing, so I am following her lead (pun intended), learning how to find joy from simple things , seeing her when she finds a pinecone, seeing a butterfly passing by, my basil plants sprouting and even smiling when the pesky neighborhood squirrel eats my vegetables.

The phone call before you leave work for the weekend.

You go to work every day, happy or less happy, interacting with all your co-workers and with your clients. You get to the last day of your work week, a week that you thought was good, productive and had no issues. And then you get a call from your boss, a call that causes you to pause and look at your week and ask yourself did I miss judge my week? Did I miss anything?

You start to question yourselves and your actions during the week and after questioning yourself and asking the people around you, you understand it is not you. You just have a bad manager .

A manager that not only does not value or appreciate  you but is  also actively trying to depict you in a bad light while lying about your performance or constantly finding fault in what you do.

How do we deal with bad and toxic  leadership when there is no one above said manager that you can speak to?

When we work in small or family owned companies, we sometimes lose when a family member who is also your manager has no one to be accountable to. Issuing a complaint to HR will not do anything as even they are beholden to this family and their job is at stake as well. God knows that the annual anonymous employee survey is not really anonymous or even if it is no one will do anything about what you write.

Dealing with a bad boss is not easy, especially when you know that they are wrong.  Do we keep our heads low until we find a different job? But what if you really like what you do and your co-workers, do you give it all up for one bad leader?

As you can tell I am in a quandary, so for now I will enjoy my weekend and try to cleanse all the bad mojo out of my life and will look for all the positive things that I had this week.

If you are reading this on a weekend, I hope you have a great one, otherwise keep your spirit strong .

Why I started blogging

I was asked recently why I am starting a blog, there are many reasons. One of my friends mother passed away recently and when they organized the house later they found notebooks filled with stories and poems that the mom never showed anyone and they decided to publish them after her death, I don’t want my kids to read my notebooks after I’m dead, I want them to see them now, I want the world to see them now,

The other reason was the pandemic, in a way the pandemic made me think about my priorities and what I would like to do in the remaining years that I have. I lost my hearing during the pandemic and that added to my introspection time, I started listening to podcasts while walking the dog and discovered Mike Rowe’s podcast (yes. The Dirty Jobs guy), on several episodes he had his mother Peggy Rowe, Peggy spoke about her road to becoming on the national bestseller list and how she fulfilled her dream and all the ups and downs that led to that and that inspired me to no end.

The other reason that might seem mundane is just a simple quote from Farrah Gray “Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” that was posted on Linkedin. This post made me stop for a second and  think hard as it  touched a nerve. I have worked for other people all my life, not always were my capabilities appreciated  and when they were I was expected to do more for the same pay while someone else reaped the rewards. Mind you I quit from that company after I saw that my hard work was not appreciated but that belongs to a different post about toxic management. 

All of these reasons plus several others that I did not mention made me think and think hard about how I would like my future to look like, i do not want to miss opportunities or reflect in years to come on how I missed them. I know many of us have the same feelings, especially after the last 3 years we had, at this point in my life I am choosing to forge ahead with a new view – I will not stop myself anymore, I will believe in my capabilities and if ever my bucket list if full  I will simply get a new bucket!

That dreaded Monday feeling

We all have that dreaded back to work day, for some it’s monday, for others it’s going back to work after a vacation or a long weekend. For others it’s every day. There really is no wonder that many songs were written about Mondays and none of them positive, The Bangles have their Manic Monday , the Carpenters have Rainy days and Mondays (always make me cry – continuing lyrics) and i’m not even going to talk about the Boomtown rats – I don’t like Mondays, which is a very dark song. Does Monday morning blues have  to be a Monday, probably not. By coincidence today is my day, not because it is a Monday, I work on Sundays so technically my Monday is a Sunday, instead I have meetings that I am being forced to attend with people I do not value and meetings that just drag on and on as some people just like hearing the sound of their own voice. You go to bed the night before with that terrible feeling of dreading tomorrow and wake up to the same pit feeling in your stomach.

So what do we do to make us less anxious about our “monday”? Suffer in quiet, look for a new job or be a Pollyanna and try to find the positive in this. Frankly I don’t want to be positive today, really not in the mood! But what I did instead was to find a course that looked interesting on Coursera about entrepreneurship and freelancing. Will see how my day ends.